Friday, 13 August 2010
Thanks for coming
I do eat well, don’t get me wrong. I have no irrational fears of fruit and vegetables but I can’t help feeling anxious about continuing to put on weight. I am happy with my health at present and my weight has had a massive impact on increasing my energy levels and making me feel “normal” again. But I have always had slight issues with my weight, even before my RA. I suppose it’s some sort of anxiety that I will wake up one day obese. I have control issues I think. I hate the fact I cannot control certain things in my life, like my RA, the weather, or the lottery numbers. However, not eating is something I can control. Deep down I know it’s ridiculous. I am a healthy weight for my body type but I have started to notice some old habits coming back from my teens.
I suffered with bulimia for a short while in my mid teens. I put that down to stress and possibly seeking attention at the time, not that I really told anyone about it apart from my mum. Ever since then I have been cautious of my weight, watching what I eat more intensely at certain periods in my life. I know everyone has concerns about bits of their body they are not impressed with but I wish I could get over this ridiculous notion that I need to be skinny to look good. Because, lets face it, there are far more important things to worry about and my health is a priority. I think it has a lot to do with being more inactive than “normal” people. I cannot exercise as much as id like because I fear a flare up so therefore I have to watch what I eat more. Get over yourself you must be thinking, well you and me both.
Don’t worry, I will never again have an eating disorder as such, I know how bad it is for you. I think I just need something else to concentrate on with my free time. Maybe ill take up bird watching?… on second thoughts no.