Friday, 26 November 2010

Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself...

This week I’m coming to you live from Australia! Oh, No... That’s right I’m not. I was supposed to be in sunny Sydney as we speak, but as I previously discussed, RA reared its ugly head to destroy my plans of a trip across the world with my lovely friends. Am I bitter? Of course not... well maybe a little. You see when I first found out I couldn’t go, I was devastated but soon got over it realising my health is more important. But now the time has come around where my remaining closest friend has flown out to be with my other travelling friends, on the flight I was supposed to be on may I add. It’s safe to say I’m feeling a tad down this week.
 I think loneliness is definitely setting in. Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of other close friends that are still in (freezing) cold England, but it’s not the same without my girls. They have been so supportive over the past year and I suppose it’s true what they say, you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. (They are coming back of course, it’s not like they have all emigrated to the other side of the world... unless that was their plan all along and they chose not to tell me!) I miss them all dearly. I am finding things a lot harder than I anticipated.
 I feel like I can’t just pick up the phone and rant (as I often do) or chat about everything and nothing. I am alone with my thoughts a lot of the time (which I hate) and because I am not doing too well with my RA and feeling a bit gross after my Rituximab treatment it’s not like I can go out and make my own fun at the moment. I wish more than anything today that I didn’t have this limiting disease. I always imagined myself travelling the world, being an independent soul and experiencing other cultures but as time goes on those experiences are slipping from my grasp. Other things such as pratting about in hospitals for eight hours strapped up to machines and being deafened by the unnecessarily loud nurse are my priorities now, apparently. (Christ the nurse across the ward really did get my goat today, shrill isn’t even close to the world).
 So, I guess the question is what to do with myself now? I am surely doing my family’s head in right now with my moping and my boyfriend is most definitely sick of hearing female gossip (as I don’t have many people to tell!) But they are as supportive as ever and dealing with my ‘Moody Trudy’ moments surprisingly well. I only hope I have recovered enough from this bad patch to enjoy Christmas and that my health returns to a good enough state so I can go see that big wide world next year... it’ll still be there won’t it? I hope my travelling friends are having the best time they could have and do not feel guilty for leaving me behind because, if anything, I am looking forward to hearing about their adventures when they return plus presents! (and there’s always Photoshop to make it look like I was there).

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