I’d like to say that this week I have been uplifted and experienced a huge change in mood, however, it seems more likely I am having a personality failure. I know the pressure of quitting smoking isn’t helping (by the way very proud of myself as I am on day 11 now without a cigarette!) but I can’t seem to snap myself out of this personality coma. I have felt doom and gloom for no real reason. It made me think of everyone out there who is suffering, do we all have several personality failures when we experience flare ups? It’s no surprise that being in pain affects your mood.
I hate it when pain strikes and I don’t just mean a headache. I mean full on, chronic aching of joints and muscles to the point where you just want to cry. The problem is when you’re in this pain ‘bubble’ as I call it, it’s hard to carry on as normal. Those who are closest to you bear the brunt and know that something isn’t right, I believe I have treated my closest family members quite badly this week because of my constant mood and inability to smile on cue. I hate being this way and I kick myself when my mum or sister leaves after I’ve spent an hour moaning or snapping at them over coffee. I just can’t seem to want to engage in conversation or feel happy about anything. All I can concentrate on is the aches and pains. I can cope with it better sometimes, but this week it’s like hitting a brick wall.
I feel stressed. I feel incredibly worn out, and I don’t know why because it’s not like I have had much to do besides work these past few weeks. The six week recovery period following my hip replacement is up tomorrow. I can’t decide whether it’s gone incredibly slow or incredibly fast? I feel almost guilty that the time is up because I haven’t been as productive as id liked or really taken the time to recover properly. I know that’s contradictory because you’re not supposed to be productive when resting. I feel like I have to push myself back into reality now and really focus on work this month (which I am happy to do) although I am a little afraid of actually going back to work. Stupid huh seem as though I work for myself? Plus, I have been working from home anyway since the op so it’s not going to be much different. I think it is the actual going somewhere and being away from home that I am afraid of. Here I am comfortable and safe and I can slip off for a lie down when needed. I can’t do that when I am not at home.
I think anyone who has RA deals with these battles of confinement and going back to reality on frequent occasions. You spend a few weeks cooped up in your home when experiencing a flare up and then have to prepare yourself to face normality again. By the time you get used to routine again, no doubt another flare up comes along. It’s a vicious cycle. I now want to concentrate on getting the balance right... which is going to be harder than it sounds. It’s funny, every time I think I have overcome challenges of living with RA it turns out not much has changed and I am still struggling anyway. My anger and fear gets in the way of living a normal life in conjunction with the pain and fatigue. Tough combination. But if I can replace the fear of going back out into the world again and deal with my anger of being shut away for so long, maybe the pain and fatigue won’t be so bad anyway?