Spilt Milk

A scary and confusing day for me. After the release of excruciating pain following my hip replacement it seems it has come back to bite me and I have had a couple of days of very similar, but not quite as excruciating, pain. I may have done too much, although my ‘too much’ isn’t the same as ‘normal’ peoples too much which is bloody annoying. I decided to put my fitness to the test last week after giving up smoking, and plus it would be nice to try and do some regular exercise to see if it makes much difference to my RA. Despite a swollen knee, me and my mum went to our local pool twice last week, which by the way was a great testament to local councils as disabled people are allowed to swim for free!

Both times I managed to do better than expected, I wasn’t particularly in any pain although found it a little difficult to get into the swing of moving about more than usual at first. I didn’t suffer too much after the half hour sessions either, which was a bonus. However, as I went through the weekend the knee started to get worse and the pain has slowly moved up my right leg and back into my hip leaving it really uncomfortable and now I have this constant dull ache in the hip which won’t subside, even with a regular intake of pain meds. So I am a little concerned now, and frustrated really. I don’t understand why I am experiencing pain in an artificial joint. It’s not the muscles and stuff around it so it’s weird.  Concerned that my two swim sessions and generally being on my feet rather than sat at home being bored for six weeks has taken its toll and this is a warning to not move... ever... or enjoy myself or do anything of any real value. Great.

Why oh frigging why does this happen constantly. I am laughing about it but so annoyed that I get slightly back on track or I am doing well (and I had a very impressive recovery from my hip replacement, if I say so myself) and then I get knocked down again. I hope I haven’t done any real damage for the simple want of doing normal things like a little exercise. I just want to be able to keep fit and do some sort of activity with my mum is that so much to ask?

So I am biting the bullet and having a few days ‘rest’ (in other words I am stopping myself from doing anything I actually want to do including swimming... begrudgingly) and I will see if things improve. To be honest I cannot even be bothered to start the cycle of doctors appointments and specialists again because its mind numbingly frustrating to have to plan stuff around them and by the time I have seen someone, the pain will be somewhere else no doubt. I just want to cry today. It’s not even that bad but the thought of having to go through all of that crap with my hip again and having the energy to sort it out is exhausting and I want to cry.

I could spend my night crying, or I could just swallow my frustration and tears and get on with it. Which at present is what I am trying to do. It’s got to the point today where I am so mad and fed up I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to go out or talk to anyone; I just want to sit alone in my mood in protest until things start to go right. Spoilt little child comes to mind but some days all this stuff to deal with just gets too much and I have to have my moods and tears in order to feel normal again. You let it consume you, let it all out, feel better and then start the cycle all over again. RA is too much today. Everything is too much today. I’m going to bed, pulling over the covers and hoping tomorrow is a good day, or at least a better day so I don’t scream at those I love or have a breakdown over spilt milk or something (has happened before with interesting results of extreme emotions).