Giving Up

I seem to have hit a real low point this week. Being fed up is quite a regular occurrence, as I am sure other RA sufferers know all too well. It probably has a lot to do with the fact I have finally and seriously given up my nasty habit of smoking. I should have done it a long time ago, for my health if nothing else as studies show smoking can make RA worse blah blah. To be honest I always thought that it was the one thing RA couldn’t take away from me. RA stopped me drinking, dancing and generally having fun so I thought ‘sod it’ I’m going to continue doing one thing that’s bad for me whilst I enjoy it.

It’s an immature way to look at it, as I know it could have serious health consequences but I enjoyed it so what’s the big deal? Now I have turned 25 and I am thinking about the future (getting married, babies, buying a house –all way in the future!) I thought I should give it a good go and quit (with the intention of actually sticking at it this time). I have ‘quit’ before, and soon gave up quitting. It’s a horrid habit that tends to come back and bite you with its cravings and withdrawal symptoms. I wish I had never started to be honest.

So apart from wanting to strangle everyone and hating the world, this week has also been tough because I have felt really poorly. Again, I am not sure if its withdrawal symptoms as it has coincided with quitting smoking, but I have had awful fatigue, nausea and joint pain. The kind of symptoms I haven’t had to deal with for a while so it really has got me down. I think all of these things, in combination with the fact I have now spent five weeks at home in recovery and my four walls are caving in around me, are making me feel very low. I hate the fact I constantly feel like I’m going to burst into tears or scream... for no reason at all. Yes, I know what you’re going to say... these are classic signs of depression blah blah but I haven’t really got much to be depressed about it’s just been a tough old few weeks with the hip op and struggling to keep my business running etc.

I think maybe I need a couple of days rest, or cheering up. It’s probably good timing then that some friends are coming to visit for the weekend, although I hope I don’t scream at them or burst into tears because I’ve dropped a spoon or something. They may think I am a little insane (although most people think that about me anyway).

So through trying to improve my quality of life, once again my actual quality of life is suffering. I don’t feel like doing or saying anything right now. I find it hard to talk to people because I feel so miserable and angry and constantly stressed (again I am not sure what is stressing me out more... the fact that we have ran out of washing up liquid or I can’t carry the Hoover upstairs) I am rather stressed with all things business at the moment, I am struggling to secure help to keep my shop running and I still have another 2 weeks before I can drive. The work load is piling up, which is a good thing, but once again bad timing that I feel like death.

Sods law I guess. Anyway here’s to a tear and scream free weekend... hopefully.