Friday, 26 August 2011

Giving Up

I seem to have hit a real low point this week. Being fed up is quite a regular occurrence, as I am sure other RA sufferers know all too well. It probably has a lot to do with the fact I have finally and seriously given up my nasty habit of smoking. I should have done it a long time ago, for my health if nothing else as studies show smoking can make RA worse blah blah. To be honest I always thought that it was the one thing RA couldn’t take away from me. RA stopped me drinking, dancing and generally having fun so I thought ‘sod it’ I’m going to continue doing one thing that’s bad for me whilst I enjoy it.
It’s an immature way to look at it, as I know it could have serious health consequences but I enjoyed it so what’s the big deal? Now I have turned 25 and I am thinking about the future (getting married, babies, buying a house –all way in the future!) I thought I should give it a good go and quit (with the intention of actually sticking at it this time). I have ‘quit’ before, and soon gave up quitting. It’s a horrid habit that tends to come back and bite you with its cravings and withdrawal symptoms. I wish I had never started to be honest.
So apart from wanting to strangle everyone and hating the world, this week has also been tough because I have felt really poorly. Again, I am not sure if its withdrawal symptoms as it has coincided with quitting smoking, but I have had awful fatigue, nausea and joint pain. The kind of symptoms I haven’t had to deal with for a while so it really has got me down. I think all of these things, in combination with the fact I have now spent five weeks at home in recovery and my four walls are caving in around me, are making me feel very low. I hate the fact I constantly feel like I’m going to burst into tears or scream... for no reason at all. Yes, I know what you’re going to say... these are classic signs of depression blah blah but I haven’t really got much to be depressed about it’s just been a tough old few weeks with the hip op and struggling to keep my business running etc.
I think maybe I need a couple of days rest, or cheering up. It’s probably good timing then that some friends are coming to visit for the weekend, although I hope I don’t scream at them or burst into tears because I’ve dropped a spoon or something. They may think I am a little insane (although most people think that about me anyway).
So through trying to improve my quality of life, once again my actual quality of life is suffering. I don’t feel like doing or saying anything right now. I find it hard to talk to people because I feel so miserable and angry and constantly stressed (again I am not sure what is stressing me out more... the fact that we have ran out of washing up liquid or I can’t carry the Hoover upstairs) I am rather stressed with all things business at the moment, I am struggling to secure help to keep my shop running and I still have another 2 weeks before I can drive. The work load is piling up, which is a good thing, but once again bad timing that I feel like death.
Sods law I guess. Anyway here’s to a tear and scream free weekend... hopefully.


  1. Hang in there! Having friends over will help and if you do cry/scream, then thats a good thing cos you need to let it all out. You have a lot going on. Its only natural that you're down. Wish I had that magic wand that would make this bloody disease leave us alone, but i seem to have lost it under the massive pile of ironing i've got waiting for the day I feel like doing it (yeah , thats going to happen!). You r a very brave girl and have done so well getting thru your op etc. Sending pain free hugs, Amanda xx

  2. Well done for giving up smoking!

    So sorry that things are difficult for you at the moment.Having RA is so life changing, we are allowed to be fed up, angry, tearful etc. It does pass eventually. Stay strong. Hugs, Lorna (new reader)

  3. Hope you find some relief soon, stay strong! (And give your body all of the rest that it needs!)

  4. Hi, it really sounds like you are having one of those horrid flares that never come at the right time. is there really ever a 'right' time? probably not, i'm guessing that with lots of rest, lots of TLC from friend and family you will be feeling better soon. i really hope so. Take care dear girl all will improve soon. Hxx

  5. Omg. You nailed it. I'm trying to quit myself and know exactly the feeling you've had/are having. I say those eho don't have RA should walk two miles in out shoes then open their big, fat, uninformed mouths. They'd be curled in a ball, kicking,scraming, and crying. That metal pic helps far more than I care to admit. I hope quitting helps and you can see the difference, post flar. Keep blogging. We need our voices verbalized. :) xo