Whenever something bad happens in life the majority of us tend to get a bit tipsy to try and numb the pain...right? Well as my ordeal following diagnosis unfolded I deteriorated so badly that I was hospitalised within 3 weeks of the doctor telling me I had knackered joints. It happened so fast I didnt even have time to google the bloody disease! All i had were these stupid leaflets telling me my life was over but if I wanted to talk to someone about it I could call this premium rate number and they could try and talk me down off that 110 storey building! So it was all going to be ok then!Ha, fat fingered chance.
To make matters worse I was admitted to a ward full of old women (now I love old people my nan and grandad are 2 of my most favourite people in the world but that didnt mean I wanted to spend 2 weeks with Doris, the 87 year old widow who talked to her knees!) It was as if my life was flashing before my eyes, I was a 22 year old trapped in an 87 year olds body!
This very nice indian chap came round and told me, "we are going to start you on some medication miss dawson is that ok?". I think i actually shouted "Give me the drugs!". Then came the blow... "Now miss dawson, the treatment I am going to prescribe you is a tablet called Methotrexate", (Is that supposed to mean anything to me?!), "And with this you take blah tablets every blah and blah blah but you must not drink alcohol with this medication".
WHAT! Absolutely no alcohol? For a 22 year old? Was he joking? Apparently not. Great now im not only in excrutiating pain but im going to be sober throughout it! Fabulous. After a week in that hell hole they call a hospital I was sent home. To be honest I dont really remember much as I was drugged up to the eyeballs on morphine, steroids and god knows what but I actually felt alot better, just tired. I couldnt wait to get back to work and see my friends. I thought it was over to be honest, I hadnt really listened to a word the doctors had said I just thought this is a blip. Ill get home, go on the net and find out the best way to launch defcom 5 on this nasty.
The internet is a dangerous place. The first search I did came up with listings that included the word "early death", "chronic pain", "incurable". What the hell was going on?! I didnt know it was this serious. I searched and read for hours trying to find out as much as I could and in a way it helped but I was no closer to understanding why this happened.. to me. Surely noone deserves this? Anger completely took over. I cried and cried for days/weeks trying to understand but what I missed was that I needed to concentrate on how to beat this and not why I had it. Why is a question that can never really be answered.