I’m not going to lie; it’s been a pretty tough couple of weeks. Turns out, the pain in my hip was, as thought, this bone disease which has caused it to collapse. It is very likely that it was caused by complications from using steroids to treat my RA. Not great news then. It’s so frustrating that the things I have been taking to get me back on track and get my condition under control have ultimately caused me more problems. Although, I’m not sure what’s worse? Should I have suffered continuously for the past year and not taken steroids? Or is enduring this severe pain for (hopefully) a shorter period of time the lesser of two evils? Jury’s out.
I am constantly reminding myself when I have had my extremely fed up moments recently that I knew this could potentially happen. Well, not that I knew this specific hip thing would happen, but I knew complications would arise from time to time because of my condition and I thought I had learnt to accept them. It is like a big slap in the face though when something like this knocks you back. I have worked so hard to turn my life around, dealing with my RA, dealing with my depression and anxiety because of my condition and starting my own business to combat the potential lack of jobs my condition presents. It just seems, sometimes, what is the bloody point? If things like this are likely to keep happening then why do I bother?
The simple answer is, because you have to. It’s just life. If we all gave up when shitty things happened then none of us would bother at all and the world would be chaos. I am still not sure how I feel about having a hip replacement (as that is what is going to happen any day now as I am an emergency case because my hip has collapsed). Am I ok with having an artificial hip at 24? Well, it’s not ideal is it? But then again, it seems the less of two evils as I am not sure how much more of this excruciating pain I can take. I am exhausted, the pain has kept me awake most of the night for 3 weeks now (more so than my RA ever has) and I am fed up with struggling to walk and do things for myself. I nearly caused an accident the other day when my hip wouldn’t move and my foot was stuck on the accelerator in my car... I mean for Christ sake! It’s just a joke.
So for once I am not actually writing about my RA as such, however I do have to mention that the consequences of all this stress and pain have caused a massive flare up in my knees and wrists (which is just fabulous on top of everything else) But to be fair it’s not a scratch on the pain in my dead hip. I am walking around constantly thinking, I am going to have a fake hip. I’m 24 and I’m going to have a fake hip. What do I say to people? Will they know? Do people who have artificial body parts tell everyone they meet? Probably not. Ridiculous as it sounds I’m just trying to make sense of what this means. What it ultimately means is further hip replacements in the future, as new hips don’t last forever. Plus, it seems the other hip is on its way out too according to the orthopaedic doc. I will probably have to have this one replaced at some point down the line too as osteoarthritis has set in already in both of my hips. Oh God what a mess. What an awful bloody mess my body is in right now. I can’t help thinking in 10 years time will there be any of the real me left? Will I have had knee and wrist replacements too by then? What is this going to mean for my future and being able to start a family and stuff if I’m constantly in the body shop having work done?!
Well, I’m not a car requiring spare parts. I am a person after all, with thoughts and feelings, ones of anxiety and fear right about now. I don’t like the thought of having an operation. I don’t like the thought of not being able to work. I especially don’t like the thought of having to rely on other people to help me do day to day things until I recover. I have been doing so well figuring out ways to do things without other peoples help. I don’t like being a hindrance to others or feeling week and pathetic and going back to asking for help up and down the stairs and in and out the bath is exactly that.
Enough of the negativity. I need to put my brave face on and, once again, face this head on so I can continue with ‘normal ‘life... just with the addition of a new hip.