Monday, 13 June 2011

Home Sweet Home

After living back at home now for nearly two years, I have decided the time is right to move on and in with my partner. I have been well looked after by my amazing family whilst back at home and so grateful that I had their help through the darkest times of my illness. They took me in when I had nowhere else to turn, asking for nothing and I love them so much for that.
It feels like I’m back all those years ago preparing to leave home for the first time when I started university. There is a hint of anxiety as well as excitement as I cannot help but remember living away from home before, when my illness started. I have never wanted to feel that lonely again and leaving home reminds me of that. I will no longer have the company of my mum pottering around, endlessly helping me with things like washing, cooking etc. I will be starting my life as an adult again, gaining back some of the independence I lost two years ago. I am prepared to tackle adult life again; I know it won’t be easy. You always take the things your family do for you for granted when you’re at home.
What frightens me the most is anticipating another huge flare, where I cannot cope and have to rely on my partner for support. That is the main reason I returned home in the first place as it got too much for us both to cope with. I know things have changed, I am more aware of my limitations and my partner is more understanding and knowledgeable of my condition but I still can’t help dreading that it may all get too much for us both again.
I suppose what I have learnt is to take one day at a time. You can’t predict or be scared of the future because you just never know what will happen. Unfortunately, what will be will be. The only way I can prevent things getting as bad as before is by accepting when I need help (and asking for it), not doing too much so that I get tired and stressed which causes friction in a relationship anyway and communicating how I am feeling. For so long before, I locked myself away from the company of my partner because I was ashamed that I was no longer good enough for him, he deserved better, blah blah. I didn’t want to ask or accept help, I didn’t want to talk, I just wanted to pretend that it would go away and things would get back to normal.
Whilst it was devastating when we were apart, I know now that it was the best thing for us as we wouldn’t be as understanding of each other as we are today. My partner accepts me because I accept myself (if you get my drift). You can’t be in a relationship when you aren’t comfortable with your own situation as all those feelings of anxiety rub off on the other person. I am stronger than I ever have been before (mentally I mean!) and I am going to give this a bloody good go. After all, if you choose to hold back all your life because you are afraid you will never get anywhere right?
I still cannot believe that only a year ago I thought my life was as good as over. I was bed ridden, very poorly, jobless, boyfriendless, homeless (if it weren’t for my family) oh and let’s not forget penniless! But for all those who might be going through this now, please take something from my story that even though it takes time (often longer than you want it to) you will move on. Things will get better, perhaps even better than before.


  1. Best of luck! I moved in wit my bf after moving back in wit parents to be minded when Ra got bad. Its strange but great to have bf as the first person i now turn to when i have to ask 4 help and not my mom! I am just recovered after having hip replacement surgery and he has now looked after me and he has seen me at0my worst and taken over all the household chores and still is not put off!

  2. You go girl! Good luck with your new adventure!

  3. I moved out about a year and a half ago, and I moved two hours away from my mum and dad. I think my mum was more worried than me (she also has RA) I'd gone through a few treatments and none were working, I was feeling crappy but being told my bloods were fine. Since moving down here I've had to learn to be my own voice, and to learn my own limits. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia too (hence my bloods being fine!) and my partner and I have had to learn together what works and what doesn't. I know I'm an evil cow when I'm fatigued, but he's learned to leave me alone when I'm tired and let me have space (bless him) and I don't nag him about housework...I leanred quickly that I'm never going to be a domestic godess, I don't have the energy for it, so my partner and I have had to adapt to what I can do; if I'm feeling crappy we have a DVD day, if I'm not so bad we go out for food, if I'm having a good day we go for a walk. It took time, but we're reaching a good understanding of this stupid illness now, and there definately is something REALLY nice about coming home to someone who knows that you need a hug just by looking at you :) good luck!

  4. Good luck on your voyage back into the "adult" world. You can make it and you will! Have faith in yourself first, the rest will follow.

  5. Hi Kerrie,
    I want to wish you all the luck in the world with the next stage in your life. I empathise fully with what you are describing, although my circumstances were slightly different. I was not able to accept myself with my condition (Psoriatic Arthritis) and I think I inadvertently pushed my ex away. After I was newly single I had to fight the demons within, to learn to love myself first,(in whatever guise)before I could have another relationship. I also have an amazing family! You are not alone :) I was diagnosed 15 years ago and still have a very good quality of life. Best wishes! Zeenat