I am pretty much adjusted to my new situation now. After a couple of years of feeling pretty much rubbish I now know to make the best of it. Every now and again though, I get that niggling feeling that I miss what I call my ‘old life’. My ‘old life’ refers to life before RA. This was the life where I was successful in my job and starting out on my career, socialising with friends on endless nights out drinking like there’s no tomorrow and doing pretty much whatever I felt like. That life isn’t possible anymore. I don’t get the freedom, majority of the time, to do what I please. My career feels like it’s disappeared into the distance, especially with the nonexistent job offers coming in. I can’t drink like there’s no tomorrow, not that I even feel like it or would be able to handle the aftermath anymore. And I can’t shop till my arms fall off because government benefits don’t quite allow a shopping addiction to flourish.
The feeling generally occurs when I am bored, which at the moment is pretty much every waking moment. I have the odd thing to do with my fundraising, writing, seeing friends etc but the structure and routine of having a job and separate ‘free’ time is really lacking in my life. I miss having a purpose to get out of bed in the morning more so than ever. I hate those limbo days where I don’t really know what to do with myself. I like to be a busy bee and in my previous life was always on the go. I get bored very easily and as I am currently waking up at about 6am every day, there are a lot of hours to fill. I don’t really know how to solve the situation other than to wait for a job to come along. (I don’t expect one to fall out of the sky and I am applying for things constantly). It is frustrating and upsetting that I have had no responses from my applications at present. I wonder if it’s because of the massive gap in my CV from when I had to leave my last job? Maybe they think something is wrong with me. I ponder over the equal opportunities questions on applications, you know where it asks if you consider yourself to have a disability?
Now, if I answer yes, is it likely to affect their decision? Or if I answer no and then explain my condition at a later stage will I be classed as a liar for not declaring it sooner? Decisions... decisions. I find as the days go by I am becoming short fused, angry and irritable even about the smallest things. I am trying my hardest not to take it out on those closest but it’s getting more difficult to mask my worsening mood. I am not sleeping well, which is down to worry about money, not being worthy enough for a job and never getting back into a career I enjoy. Lack of sleep only makes things worse and because I am tired, even when I am bored I don’t have the energy to do anything anyway. Oh the spiral of crap continues.
I am much more comfortable in my ‘new life’ in the respect I am not burning the candle at both ends whilst trying to cope with this illness. I take things easy and don’t feel pressured by anyone to ‘keep up’ but things need to speed up a little before insanity sets in. My adorable cat can only entertain me so much during the day when people are out at work, and I think he’s overworked and underpaid.