In My Dreams

Sleeping has become a bit of an issue lately. With so much going on, I can’t seem to switch my mind off. I have never really been the best at sleeping through the night, well not for the past couple of years at least. It always seem to be something, whether its pain, worries or sadness. At the moment I think it’s probably more of the sadness and worries.

I worry about my poor grandfather, who’s very sick in hospital at the moment and I pray that he will get better soon. That’s the one drawback of having such a close family I guess, it hurts so much when your loved ones are poorly or going through a hard time. I worry about my future, not sure which direction to head in next and with so many ideas I can’t seem to settle on anything, it just seems too overwhelming. I am sad about the loss of someone close, the breakdown of a long relationship. Every day I go through the motions of any break up situation, sadness, anger, fear, regret, guilt etc etc. It’s hard on you physically and emotionally to feel all these things at once and its taking its toll on my health, as expected.

The stress of everything has already caused my other hip to collapse, hence the emergency surgery I am having next week to replace it. But the most awful thing is the incredibly long days and nights with little sleep. I lie awake torturing myself about what I have done wrong or how things could have been different. I lie awake worried about my family and this awful situation. I lie awake not quite sure what the future holds and where to turn next.

I know it’s going to be like this for the foreseeable future, any combination of those things would be enough to affect anyone but throw in a broken body and it’s all just a little too much. I know, well I hope, that things will get better. After a rough time you have to experience some good things right? Well I am laying all my hopes on that anyway. I have to believe that there is something better, that all of this has a reason or purpose because if not what is the point? I wish that things could just be simple, in terms of my lost relationship anyway, but I guess life just gets in the way sometimes. I am lucky that I have my independence back, something I didn’t have the last time my heart was broken. It makes all the difference when you can actually get up in the morning and try to go about life as normal. But being able to cope on your own doesn’t mean you don’t miss someone being there. It’s normal to miss the person you shared your life with but it’s even harder when you know that person knew everything about you, RA included. I wonder if I will ever find someone who accepts me for who I am RA and all. I guess that is my biggest fear as I have spent the past few months ready to settle down and prepared for sharing my life with someone and even starting a family. Now all of that has unexpectedly been taken away, I wonder will it ever come back. Or was this supposed to happen because something better is going to come along.

Who knows? But all I really need right now is peace. A restful night of good dreams that make me hopeful about the situation. The prospect of sleeping on my sodding back for six weeks post op is not making me jump for joy let’s just say that. But the amount of drugs pumped into me for my op may at least make me so numb I forget about everything for a while and rest unaware. The one thing that I am grateful for is the amazing and continued support from family, friends and all of you! The lovely emails I receive give me strength and motivation to carry on, knowing I am at least making a difference to all your lives.

My sister is moving in for a bit to take care of me post op, and family and friends have all offered their services too so hopefully my fear of being alone whilst not so independent for the next few weeks is just that, fear not reality.