Pinch of Salt

I have always had barriers up. I am the type of person who would rather follow up a question of ‘How are you?’ with a sarcastic comment than tell the truth if I am feeling low. I struggle to let people in more so now than ever before. My illness previously left me with little confidence. The inevitable conversation starters when you meet new people are ‘What do you do?’ and I struggled to reply. How can you explain to someone who is being polite that you actually don’t do anything at present because you were recently diagnosed with a chronic illness that has left you bed bound? My usual reply was that I was in-between jobs or doing volunteer work. The same goes for friends that you may not have seen for a while. I was recently at a party and bumped into an old friend who asked ‘What have you been up to?’ Hmmm… how to answer that one when the person doesn’t know the events of the past two years? I don’t like making people feel uncomfortable or sympathetic towards me (which they inevitably would if I told the truth) So, I’d rather spare them the details and bend the truth.
I have come up with all sorts of stories as to what I’ve been up to, such as I was a bit poorly for a while so taking some time off to figure out what to do next. I am a writer now. I went on a space mission and haven’t been around people for a long time. The problem with this is that people then will obviously wonder and question further. It’s part of being a human being to be curious.
The ups and downs I have experienced in my life have left me with a somewhat abrupt attitude. I am not a horrible, rude or obnoxious person. I treat everyone with respect and I am friendly and approachable. But within my comfort zone, amongst friends and family, I like to be straight to the point and sarcasm is in my nature. It’s a form of self defence I guess. Rather than moaning and whining about bad things that are happening I will make a joke out of it. Constant pain, lack of sleep and energy can leave you feeling very out of place in conversation and affects your mood quite considerably. My friends and family know to take my wording of certain things or my mood with a pinch of salt, as they know I am not a bitter person and I don’t mean to offend them. I wish to thank my family and friends for putting up with my anger in the form of sarcasm. If you truly know me, then you will know I mean no harm and on a brighter day I will be my sweet, delightful self… (Ahem).