Recently I have been experiencing these overwhelming moments of sadness and grief. Not for any particular reason though, and I am struggling to figure out what it is I am sad about. The only thing I can put it down to is feeling alone right now. Life seems to be moving so quickly, and generally I am really happy with what I have achieved, especially recently with my business and taking on so much professionally. But there seems to be something missing. I don’t notice it as much after a busy day at the ‘office’, I am frankly so shattered that I get home and do what needs to be done and then look forward to sleep! But on the days where I feel more alive with energy to burn, I have found myself in a bit of a void when I return home.
I don’t mind living alone. It doesn’t bother me, and I don’t care if people think I am sad or pathetic for doing so. For me it signifies independence and being able to live a normal life. But I do miss the days I would await the arrival of a loved one and share stories about the day or have someone special close by for when I needed comfort. It’s not so easy to get sympathy or compassion from your cat who runs off at any given moment... and frankly, well he’s a cat.
I guess what scares me is the length of time this will go on for. I can cope with this intermission where I ‘find myself’ again after years of being in a relationship. I can deal with a few nights alone when friends are with loved ones. I don’t mind having peace and quiet as I relax into a bubble bath. But I don’t think I can stand the emptiness forever. I don’t think I can deal with the silence for much longer. I’ve noticed that my sadness brings pain with it, making my joints flare as I’ve often noticed before. My emotional state has a massive impact on my physical state. I try and snap myself out of it to feel better, after all I am in a pretty good place in my life, all things considered. But I still can’t shake the feeling of... ‘Is this it?’ Is this all I can hope for now? After all, I have achieved what I have set out to do over the past few years, return to work and be able to live independently... I just didn’t expect to be so independent so fast. It’s nice to rely on someone else to cheer you up sometimes. I forgot how nice it is to know that after a really tough day, someone is waiting at home to make it all better and help with the necessary things that follow work like cooking, cleaning etc. It really is difficult to complete all those tasks on a day where you barely get through work, let alone face all the normal things people do when they return home. Just be nice to have a helping hand sometimes, from someone who actually wants to be there.
Tell me, does everyone have these ‘sad’ moments where they contemplate their life and everything in it that might be missing? I do know how to beat myself up hey!
I have my next round of rituximab in a few weeks, it will be interesting to see how I cope with that and work, remembering the tough side effects I have felt before. To be honest, I won’t have much choice but to get on with it. I’ll only be letting myself down but my business can’t run without me!