The past couple of weeks have been the hardest in my life so far. After nearly seven years I and my partner are going our separate ways. Things didn’t work out and although I am devastated I have to look at this as a new chapter in my life. The worst thing is I feel like I have lost my best friend, someone who knows me inside out and I really wanted things to work out. We just want different things and it has been hard to come to terms with when you imagined spending the rest of your life with someone. I know it’s for the best now, but it doesn’t make things easier as thoughts run through my head about eventually finding someone who will understand my condition and accept me for who I am. Having RA is not the most attractive thing in the world and I can’t help thinking that no-one will be interested because of the baggage that comes with it. But I am more independent and stronger than I have ever been so I know that I won’t have to rely on anyone. I want to find love not a carer. I wish things were easier but if it’s not working, there is only so much that you can fight for.
So, I am living alone for the first time. It feels strangely liberating and exciting, having to concentrate on me and only me. It seems like it has been about everyone else for so long. I know need to figure out what I want from life, in terms of career, relationships and the future. Where to start? The prospect of thinking about all these things is daunting to say the least but I will face it one day at a time, with the support of my loved ones who have been amazing through this difficult time. I am actually looking forward to the future.
When I say future, I don’t mean the immediate future as more frustrating news is that my left hip has now collapsed as my right did last summer. A replacement is most definite, it’s just a case of when and I have a feeling that will be pretty soon. The frustrating thing is that this means I’ll be out of action for a little while, again, when I really want to be moving on and keeping busy to get through everything else that has happened. But I suppose these things happen, for a reason I hope, so that once that is done and dusted I don’t have to worry about any more hips replacements for at least a decade! I meet with the surgeon this week to fix an op date. It’s true what they say, it never rains but it pours.