Doctors often mention to me that stress when you have RA causes it to flare and I’ve often wondered how likely this is. I have learnt the truth this week however, what with the various ‘stresses’ I have been dealing with. Obviously organising my fundraiser comes with its minor stresses, and the general anxiety of wondering if it will go alright on the night adds to that. I have also been overwhelmingly worried about money with the fact job offers are nonexistent. So I have decided to start my own business (more on this soon). The amount of preparation for that is also putting strain on me. So, to cut a long story short, these weights I am carrying on my shoulders have started to have an effect on my physical health. For starters, I am exhausted. I have not been sleeping well for a long time now and I am trying my best to alter my habit of having a nap in the day when I am tired but it’s difficult when your eyes won’t stay open.
Now my joints are being affected too. I have noticed that stiff, painful mornings are coming back on days I have lots to think about and days after I’ve had lots to do. So bloody frustrating. Am I supposed to sit around and do nothing so I don’t get stressed and cause a flare? I thought a little stress would be good for you. It’s certainly made me feel happier having things to concentrate on other than my life with RA. But does that mean I have to deal with the pain as just one of those things? You can’t have it all, right?
So I guess I’m probably stressing myself out for no reason. I am quite an intense organiser anyways, probably got OCD or something (but that’s another problem). I like to be on the ball with everything and ensure I’ve considered every eventuality so I need to maybe take a chill pill now and again. Problem is, I feel I’ve done enough ‘chillin’ since my diagnosis and actually feel guilty now when I need a rest because I have been doing better. I feel my friends and family won’t understand when I have bad days and that I am just making excuses to get out of doing something. They won’t realise that although I look alright and probably seem fine, underneath that mask I am suffering with pain or exhausted. They expect me to be well all the time now, like I am cured or something. I wish there was a soddin cure so I could get shot of this crappy fatigue I feel today. I wonder if wearing cocktail sticks to keep my eyes open is a bad idea?