Life... and the cat

Recently I have been experiencing these overwhelming moments of sadness and grief. Not for any particular reason though, and I am struggling to figure out what it is I am sad about. The only thing I can put it down to is feeling alone right now. Life seems to be moving so quickly, and generally I am really happy with what I have achieved, especially recently with my business and taking on so much professionally. But there seems to be something missing. I don’t notice it as much after a busy day at the ‘office’, I am frankly so shattered that I get home and do what needs to be done and then look forward to sleep! But on the days where I feel more alive with energy to burn, I have found myself in a bit of a void when I return home.

I don’t mind living alone. It doesn’t bother me, and I don’t care if people think I am sad or pathetic for doing so. For me it signifies independence and being able to live a normal life. But I do miss the days I would await the arrival of a loved one and share stories about the day or have someone special close by for when I needed comfort. It’s not so easy to get sympathy or compassion from your cat who runs off at any given moment... and frankly, well he’s a cat.

I guess what scares me is the length of time this will go on for. I can cope with this intermission where I ‘find myself’ again after years of being in a relationship. I can deal with a few nights alone when friends are with loved ones. I don’t mind having peace and quiet as I relax into a bubble bath. But I don’t think I can stand the emptiness forever. I don’t think I can deal with the silence for much longer. I’ve noticed that my sadness brings pain with it, making my joints flare as I’ve often noticed before. My emotional state has a massive impact on my physical state. I try and snap myself out of it to feel better, after all I am in a pretty good place in my life, all things considered. But I still can’t shake the feeling of... ‘Is this it?’ Is this all I can hope for now? After all, I have achieved what I have set out to do over the past few years, return to work and be able to live independently... I just didn’t expect to be so independent so fast. It’s nice to rely on someone else to cheer you up sometimes. I forgot how nice it is to know that after a really tough day, someone is waiting at home to make it all better and help with the necessary things that follow work like cooking, cleaning etc. It really is difficult to complete all those tasks on a day where you barely get through work, let alone face all the normal things people do when they return home. Just be nice to have a helping hand sometimes, from someone who actually wants to be there.

Tell me, does everyone have these ‘sad’ moments where they contemplate their life and everything in it that might be missing? I do know how to beat myself up hey!

I have my next round of rituximab in a few weeks, it will be interesting to see how I cope with that and work, remembering the tough side effects I have felt before. To be honest, I won’t have much choice but to get on with it. I’ll only be letting myself down but my business can’t run without me!

Pride and Prejudice

I look around me now and can’t quite grasp how I got to this point. I think back to three years ago, almost to the day actually when I received the diagnosis that was to change my life forever, and it’s hard to believe that after all the ups and downs, I am still here... battling on with my whole life before me. I have gained many friends along the way, offering me support and comfort when I could see no way out of the dark spaces I kept falling into. I have also lost friends along the way, I mean the friends who were never really true friends to begin with and showed their true colours when I needed them most.

But I could not be happier when I think of the great friends who are with me now, and have been along my journey.. throughout it all. A friend told me today she was proud of me... but really I am the one who should be proud. And I am, I am so proud of the people who have stuck by me through the endless crap, pain and sorrow my illness has caused, and the hurt I have felt by those who let me down. It takes great strength of character to put aside your own troubles for a moment and listen, I mean really listen, to what someone else is feeling or experiencing and offering them comfort. I am very lucky in this way, because I know a hell of a lot of people who will never let me down, no matter what the future holds.

I guess I am reflecting on what has seemed the hardest part of my life so far because this has been a very big week for me. I am now the proud proprietor of my very own cafe. Yes, me, the girl with arthritis who thought she would never work again, or achieve anything of any worthy following my diagnosis. I have built a business, from scratch, and fought for it, put my blood, sweat and tears into it and I have bloody well done it. I am overwhelmed at the support from not only my friends and family, but from the public and local people who have come along for the ride. I never expected to reach the point where I was actually proud of myself again. Up until now my proudest moment was achieving my degree, or getting the job of my dreams right out of uni. But when that all came crashing down because of this dreaded life sentence, I admit I lost all hope of doing something worthwhile, being someone worthwhile again.

Here I stand today in my beautiful little cafe which belongs to me and I can’t help but smile and cry at what it took me to get here. The thought of working on a massive project like this was daunting enough, but actually going back to a routine, a job again has terrified me more. Once the cafe was finished I had sleepless nights about whether I had it in me to get up every day and go to work, which is ridiculous because people do it every day. But if you don’t have RA, you couldn’t possibly understand the sheer nightmare it is sometimes to even get out of bed in the morning, let alone attempt to face the day ahead. I still have those days, don’t get me wrong, and until a miracle cure is found I know I will for the rest of my life to some degree.  But the fact I know I have a beautiful place that I built waiting for me is enough to try and get through those first few painful hours. I have to succeed. Failure is just not an option now and I will keep going... even if I have to be carried to my place of work because I won’t let this destroy my dreams again. I gave into RA once, and it ruined me... because I let it mainly and I didn’t have the support around me that I so desperately needed. Things are different now and the comfort of knowing there are people around to keep me safe and happy is good enough for me to try my very best each day.

I hope that those reading this who are in a dark place right now and have very little hope, for whatever reason, will take notice and know that if I can do it... there is nothing stopping you either. It may take time; it may take a lot of time. But even when the mountain in front of you is humongous and ghastly... you will get over it. It took me three long years and two new hips to get over mine... but I did it. I feel a great sense of achievement today, even though my joints are painful, my body aches and the fatigue is dreadful because of the change in routine to continuous work again. But I hope to adjust to this new role and in time my body will get used to it again. In the mean time... I must sleep. Amazing how tired you can be serving tea and cakes all day to lovely people... But I love my job. And I love this new lease of life. Thank you... you know who you are.

The Point Is...?

I know that there are many people reading this whose lives, for one reason or another, have not turned out the way they planned. RA could be the reason, or a contributor, to why you think you’re not where you’re supposed to be. For example, I remember the day I left college and thinking that the world was my oyster. I was going to uni, to study fashion (which I loved) and I had it all set in my head I was going to meet the man of my dreams, move away from home and live in a big city where I would work in a very glamorous and well paid job. So, pretty much none of that worked out (I mean I did meet the man of my dreams but he’s not around anymore). However I do think that this is maybe where I was supposed to be all along. I am content, perhaps a little lonely but have the comfort of friends and family close by and far away, and I am doing something I thoroughly enjoy. OK so it’s not fashion as such, but it is creative and it’s a something to call my own. Something I have built from scratch and can be proud of, so maybe that’s all I really wanted all along. I may not be earning mega bucks, far from it, but there is still time!

My point is, at one time probably early on in life we all make our plans, map out our dreams and how we are going to get there and expect things to go our way. Unfortunately, as we grow older, we find out that things don’t always go our way because, well just because life is unfair sometimes. Things happen along the way which change our minds, change our ideas of happiness and determine our paths. Whether these are good things like getting a new job or starting a new relationship or not so good things like illness and break ups, they all make us who we are today and what we will be in the future. A few people have said to me in the past how awful things must have been for me or they have complained they are not doing what they wanted too but I don’t agree with this. I have been through crappy things yes, but the outcome is that I feel I am a better person and I have learnt things about life and compassion that I probably never would have if my life had have gone the way I wanted it to. If you are not living your dream, find a new one... It obviously wasn’t your dream all along just an idea of what you thought would make you happy when the reality is life is what you make it. If you want to be happy, go out there and grab some happiness. I know it’s not easy for us all and it may take longer than others, but I made a pact with myself when I was at my lowest of low that as soon as I was able to, I would do something worthwhile with my time, something I enjoyed and something that made me truly happy. It took a while to get there, but the determination to get better so that I could at least try to fulfil some of those ambitions got me through.

A life has to have high and low points, that’s why it’s called living. Experiencing all these things is forming the people we are and who we are supposed to be, or perhaps we are not supposed to be anything at all. It could be as simple as we are who we are right now and all of our aspirations just get us through the day? Anyway, life is a pickle and I hate to get all philosophical on you, it’s just a lot of things have happened to me personally and to those I love lately that I just didn’t expect, and neither did they. It got me thinking about advice I could give them and myself about why these things happen. How are you supposed to make sense of something that is devastating and changes your whole life, seemingly for the worse? Well this is the only thing my little mind could come up with... maybe what you thought was meant to be wasn’t right in the first place and these moments and how you come through them will ultimately define your future and lead to something better where you are happier than you ever imagined. Well... that’s just my theory anyway.