The Point Is...?

I know that there are many people reading this whose lives, for one reason or another, have not turned out the way they planned. RA could be the reason, or a contributor, to why you think you’re not where you’re supposed to be. For example, I remember the day I left college and thinking that the world was my oyster. I was going to uni, to study fashion (which I loved) and I had it all set in my head I was going to meet the man of my dreams, move away from home and live in a big city where I would work in a very glamorous and well paid job. So, pretty much none of that worked out (I mean I did meet the man of my dreams but he’s not around anymore). However I do think that this is maybe where I was supposed to be all along. I am content, perhaps a little lonely but have the comfort of friends and family close by and far away, and I am doing something I thoroughly enjoy. OK so it’s not fashion as such, but it is creative and it’s a something to call my own. Something I have built from scratch and can be proud of, so maybe that’s all I really wanted all along. I may not be earning mega bucks, far from it, but there is still time!

My point is, at one time probably early on in life we all make our plans, map out our dreams and how we are going to get there and expect things to go our way. Unfortunately, as we grow older, we find out that things don’t always go our way because, well just because life is unfair sometimes. Things happen along the way which change our minds, change our ideas of happiness and determine our paths. Whether these are good things like getting a new job or starting a new relationship or not so good things like illness and break ups, they all make us who we are today and what we will be in the future. A few people have said to me in the past how awful things must have been for me or they have complained they are not doing what they wanted too but I don’t agree with this. I have been through crappy things yes, but the outcome is that I feel I am a better person and I have learnt things about life and compassion that I probably never would have if my life had have gone the way I wanted it to. If you are not living your dream, find a new one... It obviously wasn’t your dream all along just an idea of what you thought would make you happy when the reality is life is what you make it. If you want to be happy, go out there and grab some happiness. I know it’s not easy for us all and it may take longer than others, but I made a pact with myself when I was at my lowest of low that as soon as I was able to, I would do something worthwhile with my time, something I enjoyed and something that made me truly happy. It took a while to get there, but the determination to get better so that I could at least try to fulfil some of those ambitions got me through.

A life has to have high and low points, that’s why it’s called living. Experiencing all these things is forming the people we are and who we are supposed to be, or perhaps we are not supposed to be anything at all. It could be as simple as we are who we are right now and all of our aspirations just get us through the day? Anyway, life is a pickle and I hate to get all philosophical on you, it’s just a lot of things have happened to me personally and to those I love lately that I just didn’t expect, and neither did they. It got me thinking about advice I could give them and myself about why these things happen. How are you supposed to make sense of something that is devastating and changes your whole life, seemingly for the worse? Well this is the only thing my little mind could come up with... maybe what you thought was meant to be wasn’t right in the first place and these moments and how you come through them will ultimately define your future and lead to something better where you are happier than you ever imagined. Well... that’s just my theory anyway.

Happy Thoughts

Feeling quite positive at the moment. For starters my recovery post op is going really well, actually feeling myself again. I have been using my time stuck indoors, for lack of being able to drive, effectively by looking at my life and how I can improve my situation. I needed a project... so I’ve decided to expand my business and return to working relatively normal hours. Still not quite full time, but as I work for myself I can fit it around my condition and still have a career. I am really excited about it actually. I can’t say too much at the moment, as there are a few selfish and unsupportive people out there who are just out to ruin things for me and make it difficult to succeed, but it’s great news and means a new location to work from, new people and hopefully plenty of customers. So the summer is looking busy, and exciting.

I know I can handle the increased pressure and working a few more hours because I only have myself to let down if a bad day or week occurs. Answering to employers again just seems far too daunting, but as I get more involved and used to working longer hours I am sure it won’t seem as bad as expected. Frankly, I am sick of living on benefits, sick of relying on others and need to do this for myself.

I need to make something of myself and now the hip ops are out the way hopefully I can focus on what I really want from life, a healthy balance of work, rest and play (of course!)

I miss having structure to my day, I know those of you who cannot work will understand this. The novelty of having so much free time soon wears off and you find it difficult to know what to do with yourself. Having a reason to get up in the morning brings me determination and a purpose which is so important to your mental health too.

I know that my family and friends are fully behind me and support me and will be there when i need them so I can go into this with a little army of helpers. Knowing I can run things my way and in a relaxed manner is a great feeling.

In terms of my personal life, my sister leaves today safe in the knowledge I can take care of myself again after she has been an amazing help after my operation. I will be really sad to see her go as its been lovely having the company but this is another reason I need to get back out there and not sit at home alone pondering. I have a certain someone who’s a little bit special to thank for the smile on my face too... early days and let’s just say its fun and refreshing to be around someone who appreciates spending time with you and makes you smile even when they aren’t around. I didn’t realise how much I missed that and how much I have relied on myself in the past for happiness. Trusting someone is hard, but I am willing to try and enjoy myself in the process for a little while...

(Cheeky smile)

So here’s to a fresh start and new projects... It’s going to be a busy day.

Onwards and Upwards

So once again I have spent the past few weeks preparing for and then recovering from surgery. I had my left hip replaced last week and the experience was far different from my previous one with the right hip. I went into hospital more fearful of being alone post op than the actual operation itself, so I was quite surprised and distressed to wake up in the recovery room in absolute agony. Now, I don’t want to put anyone off having replacements at all because it’s different for everyone and my other hip was not painful at all after the operation.

I am not sure if different anaesthesia was used in this operation but it’s hard to describe the sheer pain and discomfort I woke with which then lasted several days. I was pumped full of morphine to try and get the pain under control which eventually took effect. I had very little sleep for the first few days, and even now actually as sleeping on your back like a beached whale is no bloody fun. I forgot how much the nurses pester you following an operation, I was woken throughout the night for observations and tests (which don’t get me wrong I am grateful for) but it doesn’t let you get much well needed rest.

Knowing I had the support of family and friends was reassuring and I had visits from them all in the short time I was actually on the ward.  But I couldn’t help feeling that dread of going home to an empty house. Obviously, with my last op I was in a relationship which reassured me I wouldn’t be alone every day whilst I recovered. It’s not just the practical side of having help at home (as you can barely do anything alone post op) but having company and the love of someone you know will take care of you. I really miss that, but on the upside my guardian angel of a sister has come to stay with me to nurse me all better. She has attended to my every need and I couldn’t be more grateful or proud of her, she’s going to make a wonderful mum one day!

It’s been lovely having her here and spending time with her and my fear was unfounded because I have never felt less alone. I have had my moments of sadness and loss, as expected, because the reality of a relationship ending really does hit home after a major operation, combined with loads of drugs which make you confused anyway. But I am feeling really happy and confident, more each day, because there is some pride in knowing you can be alone and that your own company isn’t so bad after all. My friends and family have rallied round, as always, checking on me and cheering me up so I am in a really good place right now which I didn’t expect. I guess I have just realised the selfishness of some people and take pride in knowing that there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for someone I loved. It’s obviously not the right person to be with if they can’t support you through the roughest times and feel there is always something better. Well I couldn’t be better thank you very much and knowing that I am a good person makes me hold my head up high, which is more than I can say for those who haven’t been there.

Having a long term disease like RA is hard. Hard for you, hard for those around you, but it shouldn’t change the way you feel about someone and it should definitely not make you feel like there is probably something better. I have changed as a person, but in a wonderful way, over the years since my diagnosis. I am more independent, I am strong and I am compassionate (more so than I have ever been) so if that’s not good enough I don’t know what is.

On the upside, I have good news. Some lovely fella may have noticed all this and is actually taking me on a date, in fact the prospect of a few dates when I am back on my feet. All with people who know and understand my condition and don’t give a damn. Good people I like to think. So after all the hurt and pain, my feelings that no one would be interested in someone like me and all my RA baggage are ridiculous. Because I am not RA. RA is not me. I am still a person and I like to think a great one at that who has lots to offer so it is stupid to think there isn’t someone out there for everyone who will accept you for just who you are. This is just some advice to those who might be in the same situation where relationships have ended because someone can’t see past what you have, and focus on who you are and what you have to offer. Someone will come along and sweep you off your feet I promise. Because everyone has something, whether its illness, money issues, family problems, confidence issues or whatever... we are all going through something so why is having RA any different. It’s just something you have and a part of life, it doesn’t define you. If you were filling out a questionnaire on a dating site or something it isn’t, well it shouldn’t be, the first thing you say about yourself because you are more than that.

Anyway, best get some beauty sleep for my hot date, I’ve only got a couple of weeks to prepare and this post op look is so not working for me ;)