Where Would I Be Without You?

My Mum is the best friend you could ever have. I have no doubt I wouldn’t be where I am today without her. Throughout my life she has always been there for me. Her only wish in life was to have a family and she has a great one at that (if I say so myself). Seriously though, she has brought me up to face problems head on and her strength has encouraged me to make the most of life. Support for someone living with RA is vital and I could not do this without her.

I remember when I first became ill and she was devastated. Everyone wants to have a healthy child who can live a normal life and it must have been a massive blow to her aswell as me when I was diagnosed. But her support and encouragement not to give up has got me through my darkest hours. I am grateful I always had a place to call home, no matter what situation I was in. Knowing that someone is always there is a wonderful thought. She is not there to simply pick up the pieces when things go wrong but to celebrate when things go right.

It’s her birthday this week and it’s got me thinking about how I could have coped without her. The simple answer is, I couldn’t. She was the one who pulled me from my bed when I hit my all time low (not literally but you know what I mean). If she hadn’t have told me to pull myself together I’d probably still be in my bed now dwelling on everything. I am so thankful that she dragged me out of my state of self pity (not that I was happy about it at the time, I would have been happy to continue in self pity and loathing of my life). I hope she knows how much I appreciate her. I also hope you are lucky enough to have a Mum like mine because life would be really crap without her. If it’s not your Mum maybe there is someone else in your life to inspire you. Having someone to look up to is vital. They show you the way without having to lead you there and make sure you know you are not alone. I have never felt alone through this because of her.

I want those of you who are suffering to remember to thank the person who makes you breakfast on a bad day, carries you when your ankles are fat and washes your hair when you can’t lift a shampoo bottle. My Mum is a great help in my daily life. She helps me make my bed (which is kind of embarrassing at the age of 24 but try putting a duvet cover on when you can’t lift your arms). She makes me dinner when I haven’t the will to eat (shed be the first to admit her cooking hasn’t always been great but has got better over the years!) But most of all, she took me in when I fell apart and I had nowhere else to go. So this is to you, Mum, Happy Birthday and thank you for all you have ever done for me.

My Old Life

I am pretty much adjusted to my new situation now. After a couple of years of feeling pretty much rubbish I now know to make the best of it. Every now and again though, I get that niggling feeling that I miss what I call my ‘old life’. My ‘old life’ refers to life before RA. This was the life where I was successful in my job and starting out on my career, socialising with friends on endless nights out drinking like there’s no tomorrow and doing pretty much whatever I felt like. That life isn’t possible anymore. I don’t get the freedom, majority of the time, to do what I please. My career feels like it’s disappeared into the distance, especially with the nonexistent job offers coming in. I can’t drink like there’s no tomorrow, not that I even feel like it or would be able to handle the aftermath anymore. And I can’t shop till my arms fall off because government benefits don’t quite allow a shopping addiction to flourish.

The feeling generally occurs when I am bored, which at the moment is pretty much every waking moment. I have the odd thing to do with my fundraising, writing, seeing friends etc but the structure and routine of having a job and separate ‘free’ time is really lacking in my life. I miss having a purpose to get out of bed in the morning more so than ever. I hate those limbo days where I don’t really know what to do with myself. I like to be a busy bee and in my previous life was always on the go. I get bored very easily and as I am currently waking up at about 6am every day, there are a lot of hours to fill. I don’t really know how to solve the situation other than to wait for a job to come along. (I don’t expect one to fall out of the sky and I am applying for things constantly). It is frustrating and upsetting that I have had no responses from my applications at present. I wonder if it’s because of the massive gap in my CV from when I had to leave my last job? Maybe they think something is wrong with me. I ponder over the equal opportunities questions on applications, you know where it asks if you consider yourself to have a disability?

Now, if I answer yes, is it likely to affect their decision? Or if I answer no and then explain my condition at a later stage will I be classed as a liar for not declaring it sooner? Decisions... decisions. I find as the days go by I am becoming short fused, angry and irritable even about the smallest things. I am trying my hardest not to take it out on those closest but it’s getting more difficult to mask my worsening mood. I am not sleeping well, which is down to worry about money, not being worthy enough for a job and never getting back into a career I enjoy. Lack of sleep only makes things worse and because I am tired, even when I am bored I don’t have the energy to do anything anyway. Oh the spiral of crap continues.

I am much more comfortable in my ‘new life’ in the respect I am not burning the candle at both ends whilst trying to cope with this illness. I take things easy and don’t feel pressured by anyone to ‘keep up’ but things need to speed up a little before insanity sets in. My adorable cat can only entertain me so much during the day when people are out at work, and I think he’s overworked and underpaid.

Comedy Comforts

It’s funny what little things we devise to cope with pain. Everyone copes with things differently and often the way you cope with things change as you get older (or wiser). When I was first diagnosed my way of coping with the huge change to my life was to lock myself away, hide my suffering and cry into a pillow. There is nothing wrong with that, in a way it was grief I was succumbing to. Grief for the loss of my life as I knew it. Once the grief faded, general sadness and self loathing took over for a while. This was also a difficult period. One where I was mad at the world and everyone in it for not having to be me. When I realised this was selfish and confronted my sadness and anger things started to become clearer.

Pain is a funny thing. People handle it differently and some have higher thresholds for pain than others. My pain threshold was never really that high before, well nonexistent to be honest. I hold my hands up to being a drama queen over stubbed toes and knocked funny bones. But when I really experienced true pain, it was a whole different ball game.

Now I know how to cope with the pain I feel a bit better, and there is no easy way of learning this it’s just simply getting used to it over time. I have found other things that cheer me up when the long nights await me and the stiff mornings (no jokes please!) arrive. It may sound silly, that is generally the point, but I seem to be watching an awful lot of comedy these days. I have a routine of watching stand up and comical shows that give me comfort. I literally don’t feel ready to sleep at the moment until I’ve had my comedy fix. Maybe it’s because it makes me forget the rubbish things that are going on and helps me sleep easier. Amongst my favourites are Alan Carr, Lee Evans and Michael Macintyre (you may not have heard of them if you live outside the UK).

The comfort that laughter brings is amazing; it really is my best cure for pain. A smile really does go a long way when you have RA. If you are able to smile, then you’re halfway to living a normal life. I believe this because I have been through so much that has made me cry and the fact that I can smile again shows I am back to being who I really am. Small things make me smile now, the rush of caffeine from my first coffee in the morning, opening the first page of a new book and most importantly being able to climb the stairs two at a time (it rarely happens but when it does I feel like a kid again!)

I hope that any little things bring a smile to your face. The days are much easier when you can laugh and try and enjoy things (I heard once it takes more effort to frown anyway). If you haven’t found a way to cope with your pain yet, it will come, just give it a little more time.