Monday, 16 January 2012

Moving On

The past couple of weeks have been the hardest in my life so far. After nearly seven years I and my partner are going our separate ways. Things didn’t work out and although I am devastated I have to look at this as a new chapter in my life. The worst thing is I feel like I have lost my best friend, someone who knows me inside out and I really wanted things to work out. We just want different things and it has been hard to come to terms with when you imagined spending the rest of your life with someone. I know it’s for the best now, but it doesn’t make things easier as thoughts run through my head about eventually finding someone who will understand my condition and accept me for who I am. Having RA is not the most attractive thing in the world and I can’t help thinking that no-one will be interested because of the baggage that comes with it. But I am more independent and stronger than I have ever been so I know that I won’t have to rely on anyone. I want to find love not a carer. I wish things were easier but if it’s not working, there is only so much that you can fight for.
So, I am living alone for the first time. It feels strangely liberating and exciting, having to concentrate on me and only me. It seems like it has been about everyone else for so long. I know need to figure out what I want from life, in terms of career, relationships and the future. Where to start? The prospect of thinking about all these things is daunting to say the least but I will face it one day at a time, with the support of my loved ones who have been amazing through this difficult time. I am actually looking forward to the future.
When I say future, I don’t mean the immediate future as more frustrating news is that my left hip has now collapsed as my right did last summer. A replacement is most definite, it’s just a case of when and I have a feeling that will be pretty soon. The frustrating thing is that this means I’ll be out of action for a little while, again, when I really want to be moving on and keeping busy to get through everything else that has happened. But I suppose these things happen, for a reason I hope, so that once that is done and dusted I don’t have to worry about any more hips replacements for at least a decade! I meet with the surgeon this week to fix an op date. It’s true what they say, it never rains but it pours.

Friday, 6 January 2012

Happy New Year

I hope everyone enjoyed the festivities over Christmas and New Year. It’s fair to say my holiday season was.... eventful. For the most part I was extremely lucky and very grateful to spend time with my family and good friends and I was spoilt with gifts. Christmas is a strange time as you feel under pressure to be happy and celebrate and when you are feeling quite low it’s difficult to put a brave face on the whole time. Proof that my immune system is well and truly screwed is that I still have a cold, four weeks after it began. Its nearly disappeared now thank the lord but it hasn’t been the best of times the last few weeks.
I received some awful news on New Years day about my dear Grandad, he is very poorly at the moment and I am really saddened by his illness. My thoughts have been with him every day making it hard to concentrate on anything else really including the year ahead. The good thing is the whole family have pulled together in support of each other at this difficult time so I can’t ask for more than that other than that my Grandad makes a full recovery very quickly. He is the kind of man you rarely see these days. Kind, considerate, loving and would do anything for his family. It is a blessing to know such a person let alone have him in our family so to see him unwell is awful to say the least. I know that he is strong and will want to pull through. It is his beautiful nature that makes me smile and cry at the same time, even today as we stood at his bedside whilst he struggled to talk all he could ask is if we were all ok... imagine that, someone so selfless that all they think of is the wellness of others. I really hope that I have at least some attributes of this amazing person who brings out the best in everyone around him.
Anyway, an update on hipgate part 2 is that the docs want to hold off as long as possible before replacing my other malfunctioning hip. I have good days and bad days with it but can feel it getting worse. I can’t think about it at the moment as I have too much going on, for starters I need to find some work to boost my income so that I can start planning for the future. This is the year that I would like to start thinking (at least) about saving for our own home and furniture and planning for a family. I discussed with my specialist only a few days ago about the consequences of medications when considering having a baby. I am a little more clued up on the whole process now, I know for definite that I have to stop all medications and be off them for at least 6 months before trying to conceive so at least with that in mind I can start thinking about when would be a good time. It’s a scary thought, being med free (as well as the actual having a child thing!) but I am assured that the doctors will do everything they can to keep me comfortable during that period when I can’t control my disease with medications so I guess it’s just weighing up how much I want children and when I am going to be ready.
I know from what I have read and the advice I have been given that the longer you leave it, the less chance there is of conceiving and this chance is lessened further with complications like RA so it does worry me a little that leaving it too long would make things a lot harder. I do feel slightly under pressure with having to plan everything as I know most people don’t plan to have children as such. Everything has to be fully thought out though when you live with a disease, from the moment you get up and decide what you are capable of doing today, to the moment you go to bed and wonder what you will be capable of tomorrow. I guess I always knew from diagnosis that planning for the future wouldn’t come easy anymore. But hey... when are things ever simple?
So, my days at present are pretty packed full with worry for my family, job hunting for perfect career, hours and salary and contemplating the future (i.e. how to buy a house and start a family with no money... that’s a tricky one... answers on a postcard please).
Please let your thoughts be with my wonderful family and I write this wishing my Grandad be safe and well and be back home with us very soon.